We watched the internet’s dating advice so you don’t have to

I made a fake YouTube account and saw the manosphere

Mr. Darcy never had influencers teaching him how to neg Elizabeth Bennet. (Photo by United Archives/Contributor)

I hate dating advice on the internet.

The form is inherently reductive and requires the person giving said advice to speak in generalized, sensational terms. Men are aggressive, women are anxious. Use these tips to dominate any woman. Spot the red flags in the guy you’re dating before it’s too late.

I originally resisted doing an episode on this topic, but my co-host, Matt Yglesias, convinced me that, as good liberals, it’s our job to check in every so often and make sure the kids are all right. The optimistic version of the genre comes from people like Noah Smith, who recently made the case that, contrary to what the incels would have you believe, there are a lot of average women out there interested in average guys — a view Matt and I largely agree with.

So I made an anonymous YouTube account, set the gender to male, and watched what got served up. Unsurprisingly, I did not get “here are some polite questions you could ask a woman at a bar.” Instead, it was a lot of “women want money and power, and they need you to dominate the conversation.”

Matt watched self-improvement tips from Andrew Tate, an accused rapist and all-around horrible person. He also came across Dan Bilzerian, a far-right antisemite, advising his viewers to wait at least five minutes before texting a woman back in order to make her anxious and self-conscious.

The female-focused content has its own reductive and skewed worldview. Much of it is a strange kind of anti-dating advice, where women teach others how to make sure a man won’t embarrass them. You need to constantly scan for red flags but also be careful not to be a shrew.

The premise is that dating is a minefield, and your job is to avoid the landmines.

Matt is more sympathetic to getting dating advice online. He thinks there’s real demand among young men for words of wisdom that feel honest and politically incorrect. He’s less worried about the rules on texting a girl than about these videos acting as a gateway to conspiracy theories on the Elders of Zion.

But, whether it comes from the right or the left, flattening people into stereotypes is not only gross but just bad advice. Curiosity about the specific person in front of you is the kind of thing relationships are built on, after all.

My deeper objection is that none of this is oriented toward long-term happiness. Building a real relationship requires risk. It means forgiving early mistakes, sticking by someone when you don’t have perfect information, and seeing if there’s a genuine connection.

If Mr. Darcy had a manosphere influencer yapping in his ear after Elizabeth Bennet’s first rejection, he would have just moved on. There is no Pemberley, no second proposal, no happily ever after.

The advice telling you to neg that girl at the bar might get her to go out with you. But when you’ve gone on a pile of dates with women who can’t give you what you want long term, what was the point?

Because internet dating advice is made by people who don’t know you and don’t care about you, it’s almost certainly not worth putting much stock in. Instead, if you want my advice, take notes from the successful couples in your life and seek out help from people who know you well and genuinely care about your well-being and happiness.

Matt and I get into all of it on this week’s episode.

Watch or listen wherever you get your podcasts.

The Argument. Libbing out.

(Illustration by The Argument, photo by Stringer via Getty)

The transcript will be after the paywall in this post for paying subscribers.

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Show notes:

• The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, book by Neil Strauss about so-called “pickup artists,” mentioned by Matt in reference to “negging”: Goodreads page, Amazon page

• Noah Smith essay giving dating advice for men, mentioned by Jerusalem as example of the genre taking hold of the “wonk class”: Noahpinion article

• Andrew Tate video about importance of appearing impressive, mentioned by Matt and played in clip: YouTube video

• Coverage of Andrew Tate arrest for sexual trafficking and assault: BBC article, The New Yorker article

• Example of advice (targeted to men) that women mainly want a partner who is rich, powerful, and assertive: forums.red post

• Examples of advice (targeted to men) that they need to be impressive themselves to meet an impressive women: YouTube Short, YouTube Short

• Dan Bilzerian video advising men to wait before texting women back: Instagram video

• The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, dating advice book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, mentioned by Matt in reference to determining how long to wait before responding to a potential romantic partner: Goodreads page, Amazon page

• Joe Rogan Experience viewership metrics: Forbes article, JRE Library stats

• Hasan Piker Twitch viewership metrics: SullyGnome analysis

• Capable, upcoming book by Rachel Cohen Booth about personal agency (scheduled to be released Spring 2027), mentioned by Jerusalem in reference to personal agency advice-giving increasingly appearing right-coded: Book announcement, Tweet

• Coverage of world population reaching approximately 8.3 billion people: World Population Review article

• Discourse about phrase “Don’t ask a fish how to catch a fish; ask a fisherman” in reference to dating: The Dating Boss article, r/dating-advice thread

• Survey on how couples meet and stay together (first fielded in 2009) showing a plurality now meet online: Stanford page, ICPSR page, Line graph

• Coverage of marriage rates declining: The New York Times article, Our World in Data page

• Coverage of Kamala Harris’ viral “coconut tree” quote: Forbes article, The New Yorker article

• Example of advice (targeted to women) that if men are truly romantically interested, it will be obvious: Instagram Reel, Instagram Reel, Instagram Reel, TikTok video

• He’s Just Not That Into You, book and film adaptation illustrating “if he wanted to, he would”-type advice: Goodreads page, IMDb page

• Example of advice (targeted to women) that’s important to watch out for warning signs in the early days of dating: Instagram Reel, TikTok video

• Examples of advice (targeted to women) that attracting men means capturing and presenting “feminine energy”: Instagram Reel, Instagram Reel, Instagram Reel, Instagram Reel, TikTok video

• “The Feminine Reset” dating quiz about whether or not you are “in your feminine energy” mentioned by Jerusalem: Blooming Queen Club quiz

• Coverage of male-oriented heteropessimism: Archives of Sexual Behavior article, Cartoons Hate Her article

• Coverage of female-oriented heteropessimism: The New York Times op-ed, New York Magazine article

• Pride and Prejudice, famous novel by Jane Austen depicting Regency-era upper class courting conventions. Brought up by Jerusalem to illustrate the impact of dating advice influencers: Goodreads page, Amazon page

• “Does Height Matter? An Examination of Height Preferences in Romantic Coupling,” study showing 57% of women say height matters when seeking a date and that 49% of women prefer to exclusively date men taller than themselves: Journal of Family Issues article

• Coverage of women being diagnosed with depression and anxiety at approximately twice the rate of men: Mayo Clinic article, Frontiers in Neuroendocrinology article

• Coverage showing that while men get angry at approximately the same rate as women, they express that anger as aggression more frequently: Psychology Today article, Journal of Interpersonal Violence article, Wisconsin Public Radio article

• Coverage of testosterone rates correlating with rates of aggression: International Journal of Endocrinology and Metabolism article, Hormones and Behavior article, The Harvard Gazette article

• Example of manosphere-style content showing what percentage of the population women are purportedly limiting themselves to with their purported dating preferences: r/NotHowGirlsWork post

• Example of advice (targeted to women) that men should be doing most of the planning for dates: TikTok video

• Example of advice (targeted to women) that men should be willing to change for you: YouTube Short

• Study of Big Five personality traits showing women tend to score higher on Warmth and Positive Emotions, while men tend to score higher on Assertiveness and Excitement Seeking: Frontiers in Psychology article

• Coverage of fathers of daughters having, on average, higher support for gender egalitarianism: Psychology Today article, Public Opinion Quarterly article, Brandeis Now article

• Peer review: “How Much Has Shale Gas Saved U.S. Consumers?” paper by Lucas W. Davis calculating how much natural gas customers have saved annually, between 2007 and 2025, as a result of the fracking boom: NBER working paper

• Discourse about divergence in path of U.S. and European economies: Euronews article, Newsweek article, Calm Down article

• Coverage of fracking boom causing economic growth in Obama and Biden presidencies: Cato Institute article, Council on Foreign Relations article, Politico article

• Explanations of how hydraulic fracturing works to free shale gas: London School of Economics explainer, National Geographic Society video, EPA snapshot

• Coverage of natural gas drilling causing methane leaks: Environmental Defense Fund fact sheet, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences article

• Coverage of methane being worse than carbon dioxide for climate in the short term but not the long term: MIT Climate Portal article, Climate and Clean Air Coalition article

• “Economics versus Politics: Pitfalls of Policy Advice,” article by Daron Acemoglu and James Robinson arguing that analysis of trade-offs should include an exploration of what might have happened had an intervention not taken place: Journal of Economic Perspectives article

• Coverage of natural gas having somewhat lower carbon emissions and much lower particulate emissions than coal: iScience article, Center for Climate and Energy Solutions article, Swarthmore research

• Coverage of fracking getting banned in New York state: ProPublica article, NRDC blog

• Coverage of fracking getting banned in much of Europe: Investigate Europe article, European Parliament briefing

• Silent Spring, famous book by Rachel Carson about pesticides and environmentalism, the subject of a previous podcast episode: Goodreads page, Amazon page

• Previous podcast episode about Silent Spring, referenced at end of this episode: The Argument podcast episode

• Previous podcast episode about Chinese electric cars, referenced at the end of this episode: The Argument podcast episode

• Explanation of how geothermal energy works to utilize underground pockets of heat: MIT Climate Portal article, Union of Concerned Scientists article,

• Coverage of Mammoth, a geothermally powered carbon capture and storage facility in Iceland: BBC article, CNN article, Climeworks page

• Coverage of Blue Lagoon, outdoor geothermal spa in Iceland: Forbes article, Blue Lagoon site

Transcript